Life is a box of chocolate...

Been busy lately (ya... ya.. ya... - I have a new toy!!!) but it's about time I visit my own blog. Things in the office has been crazy. To be honest, if I can let go of my job I would. If life is a box of chocolate then it ain't that sweet all the time. Believe me, I am thankful; there is always a but.

Come on Doli, you'd been worst. Just see the good in every situation and if you need to boast, boast of the Lord. Man failed you, God wouldn't. You just need to be reminded, that's all. Even when you are tired, you know where to find your rest. I am just having one of those days.

I came home from work with mom mumbling about dad loosing the house keys. He went to picked Megan from piano's class but somehow misplaced the keys. I didn't understand why mom was so upset, I mean we can always duplicate the keys and get a new remote for the gate. If you were to highlight how careless dad was, it wouldn't do any good. Men......

Only later that I found out that the keys belonged to Igat and I felt for mom....

It was 19 months ago that he left us. Loosing that keys are like loosing him all over again. A child should not go before his parents especially his mother. She carried him for 9 months and I feel for this kind of things not because I am an emotional person but because I am a mother. I am so sorry mom. I wish I could wipe that tears and sorrow from your face. I wish for you to find that happiness again, to find that keys again..

I am not okay......

My uniform doesn't fit any more......

"oh!!! you gained weight?"

"well, yeah....." this is my reply to my customers when they started to ask me why I am not in my uniform. One even told me that I should exercise.... Felt like punching her in the face. Fiona asked why I didn't just tell her. These people doesn't deserve to share my happiness!!!!!

I am around 25 weeks now and I do admit I don't look like I am pregnant. As at last Thursday, the Doc increased my medication because of my high blood pressure. I am also having a very bad skin allergy especially on my feet and tummy. Make me want to scratch...... My feet look horrible. I know I am suppose to put cream but I can't reach my feet... LOL....

Because of my condition, I have decided to go for my routine check-up and prenatal care at the Government Clinic and hospital and FYI, I need to go to the clinic at least twice a week!!!! I do not mind but sometimes the waiting is killing me and you wonder why my blood pressure shoot up!!!!

I am suppose to do birthday party for the kids but I just feel that I do not have the energy to do one this year. Now, if I can have volunteers.....

It's year end and yes, this year we will be celebrating Christmas as usual; dad insisted. At first I thought it was a selfish request but when you think of it - it was Igat last Christmas together last year and we had so much fun especially putting up the Christmas' tree and deco. These are the memories you hold close to your hearts especially when that is the only thing that is left.

 Appreciate and treat each other well when we are still alive and well because it would not justify to build a beautiful and majestic memorial when they are gone. See the world in another person's view and respect people for who they are. And the most important revelation is; it is not about you neither it is about me. Go figure...

When you find the truth you will find the rest.....

God's gift and it's not Jesus......

I was in the shower when suddenly total darkness covered my whole place. So I thought there would not be a better time to update my blog than now.

It was 9 years ago that I had my girl; Megan and I always feel that 2 are not enough. Ideally, I would  love 3 and I would want it to be sooner so the gap would not be that big and I would get it over with - you know, having late nights and not that mobile; in that frame of time so by now I would be in a relax mode and the kids are old enough to just tag along.

Somehow, I know that God will give one to me when I am forty. Don't ask me, I just know.

This couple of years were like a roller-coaster rides; one test after another to me and my family. Financially, emotionally and spiritually. It was by God's grace we are able to go through it all. As the years goes He allowed my family especially the MOTH to discovered Him and to have a closer walk with Him and that is something that I am so thankful for because it has been my prayer that the MOTH will have this kind of relationship with Him. So you can say that for a couple of years now, we have been growing together and serving Him the way He desire us to serve and for that I am grateful. As for me and my household, we would serve the Lord - that is always our prayer.

Picture by Vanessa Leah

So when Jeremiah came, I told my friends, this might be the baby that He promised all this time. in a way I felt relieve because that mean i wouldn't have to wake up in the middle of the night to nurse..., you know the perks that comes with babies. He is all we talk about now and sometimes you wonder how this tiny person can bring so much joy to a family.

So, how wrong can one be? Picture speaks louder than words..... Should I be freaking out now?

I've lost that loving feeling......

and I am talking about blogging. There are endless things to do now.... yeah especially when I have my new toy; "phatgaltab". And suddenly a whole new world being presented just by the slide of my fingers.

Sorry guys.... I know it is not fair to just leave the blog not updated. My "writing" mind is also going through some phases where it suddenly just stopped being creative.... or maybe it just at lost of words. I guess Facebook is another way being updated with news although I don't normally post things on my wall.

Life is treating us ok. Still has that loss feeling and sometimes it is really ok to cry; it doesn't make you less a human....

 Jeremiah is now 5 months old and 9kg in weight  and an adorable baby. Every evening, without fail, he is the face that I want to see, kiss and just hold. I like him when he is soooo moody; he is his cutest then but when he smile and laugh, it just melt your heart. He is all we talk about now.

                                        This was one of those moody moments.....

                                        Enjoying cuddle from Babai(grand dad)

                                        Don't you just adore that face...

Happy Birthday Baby Jeremiah.....

Jeremiah Terry Toda was borned on 14th March 2012 morning and weighted at 3.35kg. Happy birthday Jeremiah. You are a blessing to the Toda's family and may your life be filled with lots of love, joy and understanding. Be a good person that love your mother very much and above all that fear the Lord.

Panic Button....

Anddy : Hello!!!! Macam ne dek nemu dek ka branak? (How would you know when you are in labour?)

Me : Wat!!!!!Is it time? Where's May?

Anddy : Yaah!! She is having pain and we are on the way back to get her stuff. Should we go?

Me : (panic)... Yah !!! yah!!!!

Then we put the phone down then I realised I might triggered a panic button ON Anddy so I called back.

Me : Hello..... what ever you do, don't panic coz she is not going to branak there and then. Be calm o.k.

Anddy : K

But it was a false alarm. May is her 39 weeks now. Junior is popping out soon and we can't wait. I keep you posted ok.

At a different phase of grieving.

For everything that is happening in our lives, there must be a Divine reason. We don't ask "why?". It takes a lot of faith to be able to dwell in these reasoning but I cannot loose with Him by my side, I just wouldn't but one have the right to go through stages of life with different stages of feeling and emotion. So let my family go through this period of grieving in our own way and at our own time.

When Igat's stuff arrived that early Saturday morning, we anticipated a new rolls of emotion to surface. That was why I decided to sleep over at mom's the night before. Even when I was writing these words, tears started to roll down my cheeks. It was like reliving the whole scenario of receiving his body on that cold rainy midnight hour again. Carrying the boxes of belonging was like putting his life and the memories of him pieces by pieces and it seemed like this time around, it was even more hurtful and painful. For every items, there were stories, every stories reflected his character; you cannot but feel the deepest sense of loss, sadness, grieve and even anger.

Dad was the most affected and I do understand why. They had never see eye to eye on things and dad was hard on him. In dad's eyes, Igat can never lived-up to his standard. Nothing he did can never pleased dad and that really impacted all of us as siblings. He was merely one of those active teenager that got on parents' nerve and it was a way of him crying out for attention but my parents couldn't handle him. We learnt from Igat's mischief and 'adventures'. Don't get me wrong my parents raised us well it is just sometimes as children we reacted differently to our parents' advises and the 'rattan'. Dad only started mellowing with him recently or at least they tried too but time ran out for reconciliation for them and I guess some words were left unspoken. A child should not go before their parents, that is how my parents feel. So much things to do and with the baby on the way; and they like to see him in his new role as a husband and a father. Maybe them he would raise the child differently from his own childhood. It is our greatest regrets and sadden us the most.

I knew when he was lost for direction and he had no one to turn to, in his own way he came to me. I was at my normal youth meeting when suddenly I saw him amongst my friends and he just sat there trying to fit in but he was gone by the end of the meeting. I am truly sorry, dear brother. If I knew what I know then I would have said this to you - man will fail you but God wouldn't and as much as I love you, He loves you more.

Now do you understand where this emotions are coming from?. We just need to find the closure. We might find it, we might not but each day brings hope and we will be ok.