My emotion

For sometimes now I didn't update the blog and when I wanted to jot down my thoughts, the site said "my certificate is invalid". What the **** happen? I tried to rectify and I guess by this posting I've succeed. So, what's new?

As for me, everyday is a learning experiences, discoveries and life never cease to fascinate. I like to see good in everything or at least try to but the journey also unfold the evil in people and sad to say in myself too. I am an emotional person; every one in the family knows that, even Beth find it amuse when I cry in front of that "Box". I used to be discreet but when the truth was out and self acceptance came in - I have learned to let go. Now I cry like nobody business and Little Brother will turn a 'sob' drama to a stand-up comedy (sucker!!!). The truth will set you free!! Try it people, it is so liberating - just prepare a box of tissue paper then you are all set. LOL!!!!!

A month ago, I 'stepped" on the MOTH's tail. It was his Futsal night and I was out with friends. Earlier, I told him I would be done before he know it and his game normally starts late. Yeah.. we gals talked, talked... and lost track of time. Reached home, said sorry and for sure I got the silent treatment!!!

I hate the silent treatment. I've been through it for so many times but this time it was the longest - 2 weeks (now you understand why I am not the 1st in his life. Sad....) Should feel resentful, right? But I didn't want to be dragged in an emotional turmoil where it would just leave scars in my life. I didn't want to have to handle it on my own - I was tired...

Lebih dari nafasku

Ku perlukan KasihMU

Peganglah tangan ku

Berjalanlah di samping ku, Bapa

untuk selamanya.....

I can't, I wouldn't...

So, I just lifted it all to HIM....

He said 'REST'....

I let go....

I learned a bit of myself in that 2 weeks in regards to marriage. I didn’t like the feeling of not having the “support” from the MOTH. I can still do it but the whole idea of marriage or should I say being marriage is having a partner (breathing) who shares and accept each other and especially when you being married for 10 years being grumpy is not a turn-on!!!!. I do or say something hurtful, show me how you feel, go a head, argue, trash it out with me – we might not agree but go to bed in peace. I do not need a baby that suck the life out of me. It’s tiring.

The closest in the family were aware of the situation – especially mom, who understood better this time. Previously, it was always my fault and I get sermons. Thanks Mom and Lil Bro for listening and supporting. Lil Bro might not agree 100% but because I am his sister, he’s always on my side. I love you guys. Isk….isk… isk….

During that period of “silence”, we had a steamboat dinner, a short travel to Bintulu by the MOTH and a funeral. Not bad for a family unit that were in crisis!!!

Why am I sharing this? Well….

Last night, I said something that made the MOTH’s face turned and until this morning…..

Men are from Outer-space!!!!!

You might not want to totally disagree with me. I don't know whether they are the more complex creation of God or just plain#$%&^%$#@.... (please feel free to add.) I would think there is a reason why God created Eve. OK, picture this....

When God created the garden, it was so perfect, peaceful, delightful and etc. But he wanted to have somebody to care for it so He can concentrate on doing other things, so wa la!! Behold a Man. God gave him all the instructions on how to keep or trim or prune and told him that He will come to check on him once a while. So God let go of the beautiful garden.

He was soon dissapointed every time He came to visit because there were dead branches, parasites and the animals were not fed, in other words, the garden was in a mess. It would be ok if it is only the garden that was unkept but to find Adam in a more messier condition was the final blow!!! He needed help.. No he needed SOMEONE to HELP him, someone who is more organize, smart and loving........

So he put Adam to sleep, took out the bone by his side to create another human. The human was perfect for Adam. When Adam saw the human he said WOOOOOOOOW; so you figure.

Why the story?

God understood when He created Man, he will be the head the leader. He'll support the family unit so the unit can grow physically, emotionally and most important spiritually. It was meant to and still relevant today. But I do feel that they somehow fail to uphold the duties entrusted to them coz they would rather listen with their own heart instead of His voice. That's why He asked the wives to Submit to their husband because submitting itself takes a lot of courage, humility and love which sometimes men don't understand. God is perfect. He knows the female species are a stronger load. In return he asked the husbands to LOVE YOUR WIFE because I think when man loves, he is dedicated to them and will support them in every way he can. Men, it is always good to listen to your wife. You are wise if you listen to your wife. I guess that is relevant too. But still, man can never fully understand woman coz when God created Woman, the man was sleeping.

I rest my case.

PS. I like to thank Fiona for the insight....

Congrats Cindy & Paul!!!!

This is how you should start a year.... by having a wedding!!!!

So to Cindy & Paul:

Whenever there is happiness
Hope you'll be there too,
Wherever there are friendly smiles
Hope they'll smile on you,
Whenever there is sunshine,
Hope it shine especially for you
to make each day for you
as bright as it can be.


(photo: Masan Kaya)

01.01.11

I spent New Year's eve with my In-laws in kampung. Just because I dreaded going up and down the hill in darkness, I skipped New Year's eve with my family for the past few years!!! I have to admit, I did enjoyed myself - minus the hiking........

Do not ask me my New Year's Resolution; I do not fit in that category of people who sets resolutions, works toward it, achieve it then set another one every year. You see what is wrong with this picture? It is too perfect!!!!!! I do not live in a perfect world although I wish mine is. So every end of the year I mourned; coz I didn't meet..... Luckily it s not "sales' target".

This year, I'll make a small adjustment - I will have my Wishes lists and top of my list will have to be with God. I would want my life and those around me to be so fulfilling with His Grace that we would not want and in need of none other than HIM. That's the priority.

Then I still want to get rid of the access baggage that's hugging me - if I may....(the mind's willing but ooohh the flesh...)

I want to be happy, all the time....

Baby?????????

Yippieeeee It's a holiday!!!!!

Thank God the National Team won against Indonesia to win the AFF Suzuki cup last night so PM declared tomorrow; Friday and happens to be the last day of year as a Public Holiday. I have tonnes to do - need to register the children for next school term, then I might be meeting Audrey or/and hopefully can do some spring-cleaning.

FYI, I enjoyed doing the Birthday party for the kids. They had their favourite friends over and I know they had fun. They've grown so fast... That's why I keep telling Kelvin who has a 1 year old daughter, no matter how tired or how demeaning some situation might be, just enjoy it coz it is phases of life your kids go through and it aint coming back. Some parents might find it troublesome but that is life but instead of looking at it negatively, look at it as time of nourishing and sharing and spreading and just watching them grow. How fulfilling.....

I guess, it is also not to late to say Merry Christmas. I had a blast!!!! How was yours?. Our theme this year was RED. Thanks to the Todas' who does really want it to happen and at the end of the day it is actually about the family. And on a personal note, I like to thank those who are followers of my blog for your support and your willingness to spend your precious time to read my 'journey' especially Dorothy (whose reading because she is homesick!!!) and to you, you, you.....

The Toda's

Merry Christmas and a fruitful year 2011 ahead!!!

Happy Birthday gals!!!!!

I can't believe it!!!! Megan turned 7 last Saturday. They grow fast. I, on the other hand is going towards my forties. I am at that time where I feel the needs of my kids are more important and I should mellow to the background.

With that thought in mind, I need to do a combine party for the kids and as usual, it will only be done end of November; when Ezra turn 9. As they grow the demand for all sorts of things overwhelm me!!!! Thank God they have only one mouth. At this age, I guess you are allow to be selfish - its all "I want this, I want that...", ignorance - it doesn't matter whether the parents can afford it and being working like dogs, unrealistic - like I will buy the Sony PSP when I, can't even afford to buy myself that Sony MP3!!!!

No matter what, I know I will throw them the 'biggest' party (by my kids' standard) and I shall enjoy doing it. So I would just thank my brothers and lovely sister; whom my kids adore so much for your up coming help in making this event a success one. :)

Take That!!!!!!!

I am in an emotional wreck!!!!! Blame it on hormones....... or all the sad stories Fiona has been telling me. STOP IT, FIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sucker you!!!!!!

Actually it is not her fault. I find Fiona rather amusing sometimes. Although going through problems of her own (who isn't), she keeps my feet grounded and feeding me spiritual food and for that I thank you.

The Moth is involve with the TYT birthday's parade (this Saturday). So every morning since Tuesday, the kids and I will pick Dad up to send us to school and work, in Anddy's car. And for that 3 days; 45 minutes drive, I had to endure comments upon comments from him. If it wasn't for my tardiness for being late (not in one of those days the children were late!!!), it would be the way I parked, the route I took and even the traffic policemen.

Day 1 was ok. I told him to bear with me for another few days. Day 2, I told MYSELF to bear with him for another day. And today, the devil in me got loose.......

All I want to say is, "Dad, I am sorry for yelling and saying those words to you, but at that moment I feel nothing I did was good enough for you! It was soooo like you. I remember many years back, we were driving home; just the two of us; you were telling me how disappointed you are in me for not being able to go to local Universities to further my study and I remember I cried because I feel like I'd failed you - I was 19. That episode of life are always at the back of my head and it will replayed every time when ever the episode like this morning occur. It's ok now Dad. I am just sorry it happened and I want you to know that I still I love you because you are my Abba."

2 decades later, the bitterness surface. Maybe it's a good thing, now the inner healing should start. I always know that God has a purpose for me, even when I didn't further my study. I didn't want to. The desire was not there and I never regretted. That scroll would be nice - I don't think I need it to prove to man because by the end of if, it is He who provides and matter most.

Just to let YOU know, I don't hold grudges towards my own dad. The blood is thicker than water and no matter how disgusted we as children feel about it, we are the one that have to live with him. So dad, I pray that we will accept our differences, accept the fact that we need each other and that the good Lord will give you a good health and live to see Boy, Gigel, Bujang, Jaja and Girl graduate and walk the aisle........ Amen.