At a different phase of grieving.

For everything that is happening in our lives, there must be a Divine reason. We don't ask "why?". It takes a lot of faith to be able to dwell in these reasoning but I cannot loose with Him by my side, I just wouldn't but one have the right to go through stages of life with different stages of feeling and emotion. So let my family go through this period of grieving in our own way and at our own time.

When Igat's stuff arrived that early Saturday morning, we anticipated a new rolls of emotion to surface. That was why I decided to sleep over at mom's the night before. Even when I was writing these words, tears started to roll down my cheeks. It was like reliving the whole scenario of receiving his body on that cold rainy midnight hour again. Carrying the boxes of belonging was like putting his life and the memories of him pieces by pieces and it seemed like this time around, it was even more hurtful and painful. For every items, there were stories, every stories reflected his character; you cannot but feel the deepest sense of loss, sadness, grieve and even anger.

Dad was the most affected and I do understand why. They had never see eye to eye on things and dad was hard on him. In dad's eyes, Igat can never lived-up to his standard. Nothing he did can never pleased dad and that really impacted all of us as siblings. He was merely one of those active teenager that got on parents' nerve and it was a way of him crying out for attention but my parents couldn't handle him. We learnt from Igat's mischief and 'adventures'. Don't get me wrong my parents raised us well it is just sometimes as children we reacted differently to our parents' advises and the 'rattan'. Dad only started mellowing with him recently or at least they tried too but time ran out for reconciliation for them and I guess some words were left unspoken. A child should not go before their parents, that is how my parents feel. So much things to do and with the baby on the way; and they like to see him in his new role as a husband and a father. Maybe them he would raise the child differently from his own childhood. It is our greatest regrets and sadden us the most.

I knew when he was lost for direction and he had no one to turn to, in his own way he came to me. I was at my normal youth meeting when suddenly I saw him amongst my friends and he just sat there trying to fit in but he was gone by the end of the meeting. I am truly sorry, dear brother. If I knew what I know then I would have said this to you - man will fail you but God wouldn't and as much as I love you, He loves you more.

Now do you understand where this emotions are coming from?. We just need to find the closure. We might find it, we might not but each day brings hope and we will be ok.