My uniform doesn't fit any more......

"oh!!! you gained weight?"

"well, yeah....." this is my reply to my customers when they started to ask me why I am not in my uniform. One even told me that I should exercise.... Felt like punching her in the face. Fiona asked why I didn't just tell her. These people doesn't deserve to share my happiness!!!!!

I am around 25 weeks now and I do admit I don't look like I am pregnant. As at last Thursday, the Doc increased my medication because of my high blood pressure. I am also having a very bad skin allergy especially on my feet and tummy. Make me want to scratch...... My feet look horrible. I know I am suppose to put cream but I can't reach my feet... LOL....

Because of my condition, I have decided to go for my routine check-up and prenatal care at the Government Clinic and hospital and FYI, I need to go to the clinic at least twice a week!!!! I do not mind but sometimes the waiting is killing me and you wonder why my blood pressure shoot up!!!!

I am suppose to do birthday party for the kids but I just feel that I do not have the energy to do one this year. Now, if I can have volunteers.....

It's year end and yes, this year we will be celebrating Christmas as usual; dad insisted. At first I thought it was a selfish request but when you think of it - it was Igat last Christmas together last year and we had so much fun especially putting up the Christmas' tree and deco. These are the memories you hold close to your hearts especially when that is the only thing that is left.

 Appreciate and treat each other well when we are still alive and well because it would not justify to build a beautiful and majestic memorial when they are gone. See the world in another person's view and respect people for who they are. And the most important revelation is; it is not about you neither it is about me. Go figure...

When you find the truth you will find the rest.....

God's gift and it's not Jesus......

I was in the shower when suddenly total darkness covered my whole place. So I thought there would not be a better time to update my blog than now.

It was 9 years ago that I had my girl; Megan and I always feel that 2 are not enough. Ideally, I would  love 3 and I would want it to be sooner so the gap would not be that big and I would get it over with - you know, having late nights and not that mobile; in that frame of time so by now I would be in a relax mode and the kids are old enough to just tag along.

Somehow, I know that God will give one to me when I am forty. Don't ask me, I just know.

This couple of years were like a roller-coaster rides; one test after another to me and my family. Financially, emotionally and spiritually. It was by God's grace we are able to go through it all. As the years goes He allowed my family especially the MOTH to discovered Him and to have a closer walk with Him and that is something that I am so thankful for because it has been my prayer that the MOTH will have this kind of relationship with Him. So you can say that for a couple of years now, we have been growing together and serving Him the way He desire us to serve and for that I am grateful. As for me and my household, we would serve the Lord - that is always our prayer.

Picture by Vanessa Leah

So when Jeremiah came, I told my friends, this might be the baby that He promised all this time. in a way I felt relieve because that mean i wouldn't have to wake up in the middle of the night to nurse..., you know the perks that comes with babies. He is all we talk about now and sometimes you wonder how this tiny person can bring so much joy to a family.

So, how wrong can one be? Picture speaks louder than words..... Should I be freaking out now?

I've lost that loving feeling......

and I am talking about blogging. There are endless things to do now.... yeah especially when I have my new toy; "phatgaltab". And suddenly a whole new world being presented just by the slide of my fingers.

Sorry guys.... I know it is not fair to just leave the blog not updated. My "writing" mind is also going through some phases where it suddenly just stopped being creative.... or maybe it just at lost of words. I guess Facebook is another way being updated with news although I don't normally post things on my wall.

Life is treating us ok. Still has that loss feeling and sometimes it is really ok to cry; it doesn't make you less a human....

 Jeremiah is now 5 months old and 9kg in weight  and an adorable baby. Every evening, without fail, he is the face that I want to see, kiss and just hold. I like him when he is soooo moody; he is his cutest then but when he smile and laugh, it just melt your heart. He is all we talk about now.

                                        This was one of those moody moments.....

                                        Enjoying cuddle from Babai(grand dad)

                                        Don't you just adore that face...

Happy Birthday Baby Jeremiah.....

Jeremiah Terry Toda was borned on 14th March 2012 morning and weighted at 3.35kg. Happy birthday Jeremiah. You are a blessing to the Toda's family and may your life be filled with lots of love, joy and understanding. Be a good person that love your mother very much and above all that fear the Lord.

Panic Button....

Anddy : Hello!!!! Macam ne dek nemu dek ka branak? (How would you know when you are in labour?)

Me : Wat!!!!!Is it time? Where's May?

Anddy : Yaah!! She is having pain and we are on the way back to get her stuff. Should we go?

Me : (panic)... Yah !!! yah!!!!

Then we put the phone down then I realised I might triggered a panic button ON Anddy so I called back.

Me : Hello..... what ever you do, don't panic coz she is not going to branak there and then. Be calm o.k.

Anddy : K

But it was a false alarm. May is her 39 weeks now. Junior is popping out soon and we can't wait. I keep you posted ok.

At a different phase of grieving.

For everything that is happening in our lives, there must be a Divine reason. We don't ask "why?". It takes a lot of faith to be able to dwell in these reasoning but I cannot loose with Him by my side, I just wouldn't but one have the right to go through stages of life with different stages of feeling and emotion. So let my family go through this period of grieving in our own way and at our own time.

When Igat's stuff arrived that early Saturday morning, we anticipated a new rolls of emotion to surface. That was why I decided to sleep over at mom's the night before. Even when I was writing these words, tears started to roll down my cheeks. It was like reliving the whole scenario of receiving his body on that cold rainy midnight hour again. Carrying the boxes of belonging was like putting his life and the memories of him pieces by pieces and it seemed like this time around, it was even more hurtful and painful. For every items, there were stories, every stories reflected his character; you cannot but feel the deepest sense of loss, sadness, grieve and even anger.

Dad was the most affected and I do understand why. They had never see eye to eye on things and dad was hard on him. In dad's eyes, Igat can never lived-up to his standard. Nothing he did can never pleased dad and that really impacted all of us as siblings. He was merely one of those active teenager that got on parents' nerve and it was a way of him crying out for attention but my parents couldn't handle him. We learnt from Igat's mischief and 'adventures'. Don't get me wrong my parents raised us well it is just sometimes as children we reacted differently to our parents' advises and the 'rattan'. Dad only started mellowing with him recently or at least they tried too but time ran out for reconciliation for them and I guess some words were left unspoken. A child should not go before their parents, that is how my parents feel. So much things to do and with the baby on the way; and they like to see him in his new role as a husband and a father. Maybe them he would raise the child differently from his own childhood. It is our greatest regrets and sadden us the most.

I knew when he was lost for direction and he had no one to turn to, in his own way he came to me. I was at my normal youth meeting when suddenly I saw him amongst my friends and he just sat there trying to fit in but he was gone by the end of the meeting. I am truly sorry, dear brother. If I knew what I know then I would have said this to you - man will fail you but God wouldn't and as much as I love you, He loves you more.

Now do you understand where this emotions are coming from?. We just need to find the closure. We might find it, we might not but each day brings hope and we will be ok.

You will be missed. Rest In Peace Terry Toda..

6th January 2012 was the day my world stood still. it was the day we as a family mourned the death of our brother Terry or Igat, a name we fondly called him. I cannot even begin to describe the depths of pain and hurt that I am still holding and carrying with me at this moment and the question my sibling keep asking each other; "When will the hurt go away, will we heal?". Suddenly other issues doesn't seems to matter any more.

The saddest thing for me was, my brother died alone. He was just changing the truck's punctured tyre when he collapsed. He was just started to build his next phase of life with his newly wedded wife May Ann in Bintulu. The real issue that I want to share is not really about my mourning but the ordeal and the journey we took from the moment we discovered the death until he was laid to rest at his final resting place. Human true colors manifested during this time and you discovered who your enemies and friends are. Although we knew there were protocols to followed and it was just one bad apple; some government bodies just SUCKS!!!!!

Let me start with our Police Department especially the department that takes care of the welfare of it's so call family. My dad is a retired Police Officer and my brother-in-law is still serving in the force.He called up some Dick or Harry that work in that welfare department to borrow canopies. You might think as a member or ex-member in a situation like this, help from this group of people will come in handy, right. "Yeah, you only pay MYR20 but nobody is going to take the canopies out from the store room and to set it up for you. Don't forget it's Saturday and tomorrow is Sunday. Nobody is working and wants to come down to work and you are not paying them overtime." - the words of the Dick. OUUCCCHHHHH!!! Darn!! Wait until it happen to your own.

It seems like the sacrifices my dad made serving in the Force didn't matter anymore. He fought the Communist and even got shot - for what? When the country needed them, my father was there but when my father needed help most, the Force turned their heads away. It got even worst when you were being rejected by the CHURCH.

Church consists of people, a community; they sometimes call themselves FAMILY. I belong in this "family", so does everybody else; Dad, Mom, Ivy and family, Anddy, David and Snah and so was my late brother. We tithed, helped in fund raising, joggerthon; be it for new building or the Van. My dad wished to borrow the van for the funeral service was also rejected by a Dick or Harry. Being rejected by the church is even much worst. What is the use of a Church when you cannot support the member in time of their bereavement and need. The Church ask its members to contribute in Ministry funds, Building funds, Lift Funds, Van funds and the list goes on. For What!!!!!! So that the bishop can buy a bigger cars. Shame on you. We were there all the years when you fund-raised; even for the Van. Wait until it happen to you. It was just too bad that vengeance is not mine. God is still good.

These are the things church are suppose to look at not about gaining more funds from your congregation, not about building the biggest Parish nor is it about gaining a title for oneself. What was the purpose of your calling? You were not fair in your daily dealing and y higher authority prefers to close their eyes. So sad that you have to let the world control you and not God.

For everything, there is a season and a reason. One thing for sure; in everything God's presence was always there and I want to boast of it. Sometimes you just don't know how God could work in our messy situation but He is always so good. He was and still is our strength and He provided us with all the means. Everything was perfect and in order right from the time the body reached Seri Ijah midnight on 8th until he was laid in his final resting place on the 10th. It was not the the Police Department that helped us; it was the Police men who were not in uniform and even retired ones and it was not the church that supported us; it was the congregation, people like you and me who came in rain or shine3, day or night with words of comfort to us. The Church was there merely for duty. The next time the Church ask you for money, think hard. Will you, your children or grandchildren be enjoying the benefits on this earth. Will the help I channel for the congregation benefits and not their personal? Forgive me if I sound bitter because I am but I do pray it would not happen to you. Still I want to boast of His love and mercy.

I wish to thank those who had supported us during one of the darkest time of our lives. Words cannot express just how much we appreciate your help - be it monetary, words of comfort and console, prayers, or just by being there.

It was so easy to say that he has gone to better place, or that we will meet again someday or that God love him more because for us; Aba and Ma lost a son that day, Ivy, Anddy, David and I lost a brother, May Ann lost a husband and my late brother wouldn't be able to hold his soon to be born Jeremiah. A limb has fallen from the family tree and we are mourning...