Monday, January 23, 2012

You will be missed. Rest In Peace Terry Toda..

6th January 2012 was the day my world stood still. it was the day we as a family mourned the death of our brother Terry or Igat, a name we fondly called him. I cannot even begin to describe the depths of pain and hurt that I am still holding and carrying with me at this moment and the question my sibling keep asking each other; "When will the hurt go away, will we heal?". Suddenly other issues doesn't seems to matter any more.

The saddest thing for me was, my brother died alone. He was just changing the truck's punctured tyre when he collapsed. He was just started to build his next phase of life with his newly wedded wife May Ann in Bintulu. The real issue that I want to share is not really about my mourning but the ordeal and the journey we took from the moment we discovered the death until he was laid to rest at his final resting place. Human true colors manifested during this time and you discovered who your enemies and friends are. Although we knew there were protocols to followed and it was just one bad apple; some government bodies just SUCKS!!!!!

Let me start with our Police Department especially the department that takes care of the welfare of it's so call family. My dad is a retired Police Officer and my brother-in-law is still serving in the force.He called up some Dick or Harry that work in that welfare department to borrow canopies. You might think as a member or ex-member in a situation like this, help from this group of people will come in handy, right. "Yeah, you only pay MYR20 but nobody is going to take the canopies out from the store room and to set it up for you. Don't forget it's Saturday and tomorrow is Sunday. Nobody is working and wants to come down to work and you are not paying them overtime." - the words of the Dick. OUUCCCHHHHH!!! Darn!! Wait until it happen to your own.

It seems like the sacrifices my dad made serving in the Force didn't matter anymore. He fought the Communist and even got shot - for what? When the country needed them, my father was there but when my father needed help most, the Force turned their heads away. It got even worst when you were being rejected by the CHURCH.

Church consists of people, a community; they sometimes call themselves FAMILY. I belong in this "family", so does everybody else; Dad, Mom, Ivy and family, Anddy, David and Snah and so was my late brother. We tithed, helped in fund raising, joggerthon; be it for new building or the Van. My dad wished to borrow the van for the funeral service was also rejected by a Dick or Harry. Being rejected by the church is even much worst. What is the use of a Church when you cannot support the member in time of their bereavement and need. The Church ask its members to contribute in Ministry funds, Building funds, Lift Funds, Van funds and the list goes on. For What!!!!!! So that the bishop can buy a bigger cars. Shame on you. We were there all the years when you fund-raised; even for the Van. Wait until it happen to you. It was just too bad that vengeance is not mine. God is still good.
These are the things church are suppose to look at not about gaining more funds from your congregation, not about building the biggest Parish nor is it about gaining a title for oneself. What was the purpose of your calling? You were not fair in your daily dealing and y higher authority prefers to close their eyes. So sad that you have to let the world control you and not God.

For everything, there is a season and a reason. One thing for sure; in everything God's presence was always there and I want to boast of it. Sometimes you just don't know how God could work in our messy situation but He is always so good. He was and still is our strength and He provided us with all the means. Everything was perfect and in order right from the time the body reached Seri Ijah midnight on 8th until he was laid in his final resting place on the 10th. It was not the the Police Department that helped us; it was the Police men who were not in uniform and even retired ones and it was not the church that supported us; it was the congregation, people like you and me who came in rain or shine3, day or night with words of comfort to us. The Church was there merely for duty. The next time the Church ask you for money, think hard. Will you, your children or grandchildren be enjoying the benefits on this earth. Will the help I channel for the congregation benefits and not their personal? Forgive me if I sound bitter because I am but I do pray it would not happen to you. Still I want to boast of His love and mercy.

I wish to thank those who had supported us during one of the darkest time of our lives. Words cannot express just how much we appreciate your help - be it monetary, words of comfort and console, prayers, or just by being there.

It was so easy to say that he has gone to better place, or that we will meet again someday or that God love him more because for us; Aba and Ma lost a son that day, Ivy, Anddy, David and I lost a brother, May Ann lost a husband and my late brother wouldn't be able to hold his soon to be born Jeremiah. A limb has fallen from the family tree and we are mourning...


Sunday, December 25, 2011

Happy Birthday Jesus!!!!!

I am who I am today because of the sacrifices He made for me when He hanged on that cross. So it is just fair that my whole life is dedicated to Him. I want so much to be like Zacchaeus, knowing how short he was and how people hated him because he was a tax collector; climbed the Sycamore tree, just to see this "famous" man knowing perfectly well he would not be noticed. But hey, you know what, He called him by name - he knew Zacchaeus and He wants to stay in his house. And I want so much to share how that woman felt - that woman; who sold herself to earn a living by selling her body but every time she laid on her back it took a bit of her away and it destroyed her emotionally and spiritually. She anointed His feet with her tears and the ointment she bought with her one year earning laying on her back, but no critictism came from Him.

How beautiful this child that was born today two thousand years ago. He looks beyond your appearance, beyond oneself and the only reason He did it was because He loves us and that is enough for me.

Happy Birthday Jesus......

Friday, December 23, 2011

WASSSSSSappppppp!!!!!!!


My elder brother got married this morning. Yeah, my estranged brother. Never thought in a million years he'll do this kind of thing but everybody is glad for at least it will give him the sense of responsibility; not that he is not but now he has a "family" to take care of.

Terry Toda married May Ann Padilla this morning in a Civil Court; just a simple ceremony witnessed by the whole family . The morning started with Snah and I being the Mak Andam terjun. Although the whole ordeal was a bit messy (nothing new when it comes to this brother) but that is just the way we are; at least we did it as a family. His journey in uniting with his wife is also not an easy journey. It started I guess in August 2010 when they fell in love with each other. We only met May in June(correct me if I am wrong). May is from the Philippines; they flew to KL twice just to get the clearance by the Philippines and Malaysian authorities. They only got the green light 2 weeks ago with every body's delight especially mom.

So, here to you Mr. & Mrs Igat. Congratulations!!! and may you be blessed with many memories and the tapping of little feet..... We share your happiness.

The family will be welcoming the new edition to the family; Jeremiah(so he says) in March 2012.

So the new chapter of life begins.......


Thursday, December 22, 2011

Since November, my weekends were emmm, how should i put it; hectic?, fulfilling?, busy?, tiring? And it is also that time of the year when you have lots of PARTYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We were in Miri for cuz Mimi's wedding.It was an in-prompt-to kind of thing until lil' bro pressed the "enter" key on Air Asia website. Still, i don't think I regretted. Travelling with the kids this time around were fun. They are bigger this time unlike 3 years ago when I brought them for a trip to KL. This was our 1st trip to Miri ever (except for the MOTH who had a week's attachment when he was working with his last company)



***picture by David Toda*****


So, to Mimi and Ronnie, welcome to the club and may your lives be blessed with lots of little Mimis and Ronnies.

It was the 1st time that we met Jareth too. He is the latest edition to the family; the MOTH's nephew. He is so adorable; for a while was a nice feeling to be able to hold a baby.


And of coz we loved the sunset at Luak Bay.......


and our stayed at the Park Everly......


and we enjoyed Hayden's birthday (Jareth's elder brother).....


It was a good trip and I would like to thank my sister-in-law Senorita and the family and Freda Godeng and the family for their hospitality. Moga kalau ada rezeki, kita akan pegi dan buat lagi ok.


Saturday, November 12, 2011

I AM BACK!!!!

Not that I was so busy but after checking my FB and e-mails, I just couldn't bring myself to open up and share and pour out all my emotion for public to know... Not that I've never done it before but writing a blog is hard work man... Not only do you need to think about the consequences of you exposing yourself but of others who might feel the emotions. Where do I draw the line? Do I just write anything that comes to my mind and share all aspect of my life. What if I do, then you discover what a boring life I am living, will you still be there for me?

Monday, May 16, 2011

My emotion

For sometimes now I didn't update the blog and when I wanted to jot down my thoughts, the site said "my certificate is invalid". What the **** happen? I tried to rectify and I guess by this posting I've succeed. So, what's new?

As for me, everyday is a learning experiences, discoveries and life never cease to fascinate. I like to see good in everything or at least try to but the journey also unfold the evil in people and sad to say in myself too. I am an emotional person; every one in the family knows that, even Beth find it amuse when I cry in front of that "Box". I used to be discreet but when the truth was out and self acceptance came in - I have learned to let go. Now I cry like nobody business and Little Brother will turn a 'sob' drama to a stand-up comedy (sucker!!!). The truth will set you free!! Try it people, it is so liberating - just prepare a box of tissue paper then you are all set. LOL!!!!!

A month ago, I 'stepped" on the MOTH's tail. It was his Futsal night and I was out with friends. Earlier, I told him I would be done before he know it and his game normally starts late. Yeah.. we gals talked, talked... and lost track of time. Reached home, said sorry and for sure I got the silent treatment!!!

I hate the silent treatment. I've been through it for so many times but this time it was the longest - 2 weeks (now you understand why I am not the 1st in his life. Sad....) Should feel resentful, right? But I didn't want to be dragged in an emotional turmoil where it would just leave scars in my life. I didn't want to have to handle it on my own - I was tired...

Lebih dari nafasku

Ku perlukan KasihMU

Peganglah tangan ku

Berjalanlah di samping ku, Bapa

untuk selamanya.....

I can't, I wouldn't...

So, I just lifted it all to HIM....

He said 'REST'....

I let go....

I learned a bit of myself in that 2 weeks in regards to marriage. I didn’t like the feeling of not having the “support” from the MOTH. I can still do it but the whole idea of marriage or should I say being marriage is having a partner (breathing) who shares and accept each other and especially when you being married for 10 years being grumpy is not a turn-on!!!!. I do or say something hurtful, show me how you feel, go a head, argue, trash it out with me – we might not agree but go to bed in peace. I do not need a baby that suck the life out of me. It’s tiring.

The closest in the family were aware of the situation – especially mom, who understood better this time. Previously, it was always my fault and I get sermons. Thanks Mom and Lil Bro for listening and supporting. Lil Bro might not agree 100% but because I am his sister, he’s always on my side. I love you guys. Isk….isk… isk….

During that period of “silence”, we had a steamboat dinner, a short travel to Bintulu by the MOTH and a funeral. Not bad for a family unit that were in crisis!!!

Why am I sharing this? Well….

Last night, I said something that made the MOTH’s face turned and until this morning…..

Monday, February 14, 2011

Men are from Outer-space!!!!!

You might not want to totally disagree with me. I don't know whether they are the more complex creation of God or just plain#$%&^%$#@.... (please feel free to add.) I would think there is a reason why God created Eve. OK, picture this....

When God created the garden, it was so perfect, peaceful, delightful and etc. But he wanted to have somebody to care for it so He can concentrate on doing other things, so wa la!! Behold a Man. God gave him all the instructions on how to keep or trim or prune and told him that He will come to check on him once a while. So God let go of the beautiful garden.

He was soon dissapointed every time He came to visit because there were dead branches, parasites and the animals were not fed, in other words, the garden was in a mess. It would be ok if it is only the garden that was unkept but to find Adam in a more messier condition was the final blow!!! He needed help.. No he needed SOMEONE to HELP him, someone who is more organize, smart and loving........

So he put Adam to sleep, took out the bone by his side to create another human. The human was perfect for Adam. When Adam saw the human he said WOOOOOOOOW; so you figure.

Why the story?

God understood when He created Man, he will be the head the leader. He'll support the family unit so the unit can grow physically, emotionally and most important spiritually. It was meant to and still relevant today. But I do feel that they somehow fail to uphold the duties entrusted to them coz they would rather listen with their own heart instead of His voice. That's why He asked the wives to Submit to their husband because submitting itself takes a lot of courage, humility and love which sometimes men don't understand. God is perfect. He knows the female species are a stronger load. In return he asked the husbands to LOVE YOUR WIFE because I think when man loves, he is dedicated to them and will support them in every way he can. Men, it is always good to listen to your wife. You are wise if you listen to your wife. I guess that is relevant too. But still, man can never fully understand woman coz when God created Woman, the man was sleeping.

I rest my case.


PS. I like to thank Fiona for the insight....